Tonight is the first night of Chanukah, so those of you who don’t know me, now know I’m Jewish, hi. [Funny side note… I didn’t capitalize Jewish and my options were Jewish and Newish, hmmm]
Ok, so why am I writing about Chanukah, aside from the fact that it is a wonderful holiday filled with amazing stories and memories and spirituality? Well, yeah that too. I do have some amazing memories from when I was a child through adulthood. I remember being a kid and my christian friends being jealous that I got eight nights of presents, I always looked at them funny, ‘don’t you get a bunch of presents at Christmas’? well, yeah, ok, so mine are just spread out!
As you may have guessed by some of my writings, I am divorced, no duh. I’m not quite ready to share any particulars with you here today, but it happened over two years ago, in fact, I believe I was divorced on my birthday 2008, nice, huh? Well… let’s just say that 2008 was not my favorite year. I couldn’t seem to bring myself to celebrate anything, my birthday was sort of by force, my dad flew me up to spend a week with him and that was fantastic, I loved it, but if I had been home, I don’t know what I would have done. Thanksgiving was with the family up north, good plan again. Then came Chanukah… my family sent me some fantastic gifts, well, I assumed they were fantastic at the time and I say assumed, because I didn’t open but one gift and the only reason I opened that gift was that I was on the phone with my sister and I opened one of the gifts she gave me, from my niece EJS, how could I not open it, but… I didn’t light one menorah, I say one, because I have a collection.
Let’s digress… My menorah collection. It started when I moved to GA, my mother sent me with one from when I was a kid, it had the Maccabees on it, then I had the one I got from the Hillel [The Foundation for Jewish Campus Life] in college and then my ex gave me one to paint, very cool and here and there I have purchased a few, but, like most collections, people have given me some great ones. [I will make an addendum to this posting after Friday when I have opened the box with all the menorahs and light them!]. Most recently, my sister gave me a VW bus and a stained glass garden, my dad gave me one with cats and mice and another one of a motorcycle made of wrapped wire. What will they think of next? I made one for EJS out of FIMO, barnyard animals, TOO cute! Next year, her new sister, MGS will get her own. Mine is a collection that I am happy to add to each year, I will never turn one away and I know I will treasure each and every one of them and the best part, I will remember each person who gave me the menorah.
Back to why tonight is so special. As I mentioned, 2008 was a wee bit difficult for me. When it came time to celebrate Chanukah, I couldn’t. I couldn’t light one candle on a menorah, I just didn’t have the heart to do it. I love Chanukah, spending the time together each night, ensuring that we are together to light the lights and wish each other a Happy Chanukah, exchange a hug and or a kiss and then exchange a token with each other. Chanukah gifts don’t have to be extravagant, the next one doesn’t have to be bigger and/or better than the last, something I had to teach my ex about right from the beginning. When I was growing up, there were times I got things I needed, could have been socks and underwear, ok, let’s be real, they were more likely Underoos and who didn’t love Underoos [am I dating myself?], but it could also be a book, a game or a piece of jewelery, whatever it was, it came from the heart and the person giving the gift really took the time to think about what someone else might want. I remember torturing my mom one year, I bought the tiniest star necklace and thought it would be funny to wrap it and wrap it and wrap it… you get the picture.
When we were kids, we loved the fall festival at school, that meant a chance to bring our money with us to buy things for our families, it may have been junk, but it was something we thought mommy and daddy would just HAVE to have! Kind of like bringing your mom a bouquet of dandelions, she loved them all the while knowing they were weeds, but we picked them for her and she loved them!
As a family, we would have one big gift as a family, such as one year… wait for it… a COMMODORE 64!!! We were stylin’! It came with the OKIDATA printer and the cassette tape recorder and the FLOPPY DISK! NOT the 3.5 inch, we’re talking the five and a quarter or the 8 inch floppy disks… ACK! Most years, it was tickets to the Nutcracker Ballet by the City Company at Lincoln Center in NYC. [One year, Macaulay Culkin played the prince, another year, one of the children yelled out “C’mon on!] and this was fantastic, we would go every Christmas Eve and watch a matinee and then go to Balloons across the street for dinner. One year, someone asked if I was in the production, I was tickled!
So, if by now, you don’t think that I have great memories of Chanukah as a child and into my adulthood, go back to the beginning and start reading this again! Chanukah has always held such a special place in my heart and my life, I really love to see all my menorahs set up on the dining room table, presents piled up is fun too, but when the candles are lit all at once, especially on the last night… what a sight to behold!
Back to our originally scheduled programming. So, there the gifts sat, on my dining room table for a few nights, then I just couldn’t handle the sight of them, these included gifts from some very special friends as well, and into the closet they went and there they sat… Last year, I was with my family for another holiday and I told them I needed to tell them something important; I told them that their gifts were in a closet, that I just didn’t have the heart or strength to open them, that I didn’t even celebrate Chanukah that year, all of this with tears in my eyes. They were very understanding and told me they wondered why I hadn’t said anything to them about the gifts they got me, but it made sense to them now and it was alright, when I was ready I would open them. It was still hard for me to tell them.
Every time I would go into that closet, I would see that bag, sometimes I would avoid looking down, sometimes I would glance at the bag. I knew I needed to pull the bag out and open the presents, I just couldn’t. I remember thinking maybe I’ll meet someone who will help me pull out the bag and just open them. I’ve had friends offer. I once pulled the bag out, sat down and started crying and had to put the bag back into the closet, I just wasn’t ready yet.
Recently, I started making a real effort to get my house picked up, packed up and in general ready for living in again. If it sells, great, if not, great, I am going to make it mine, all mine. [Another post for another day]. I was in the foyer and I said to myself, [nod to Mr. Pignatelli] “Self, open that closet, take the gifts out and OPEN THE DAMN THINGS!” Ok, I heard you loud and clear, I’m doing it! So, there I sat, on the floor in my foyer, cats walking in and around and I picked each one up and opened them, that’s when I found the three newest menorahs [cat & mouse, garden & motorcycle] and some other fantastic gifts, including… a Monopoly game! Imagine that [another post]. I even found a fantastic menorah from dear sweet neighbors who have moved, DB & LB a Votive Menorah, how cool is that! and a charming pair of silver hoop earrings, exactly what I have been looking for lately. I am a very lucky woman to have friends and family who are so patient with and kind to me. People have stood by me through the worst times of my life and have helped me get through those times. Opening those gifts was a huge step and even though some people had offered to hold my hand or just do it for me, I couldn’t let them, I had to do it in my own time, in my own way and on my own, but I could feel them all there with me.
So… that is why tonight was so very important and special. I was excited to get home tonight, even though it was way after sundown when i got home, I was excited. I decided to pull down the VW Bus menorah, I put it on the stove top and I pulled out two candles, got them ready, smiled HUGE while I lit the shammus, held it, said the blessing over the candles, cried a little while I did it and then lit the first night’s light and stood back and looked at the light and beamed, possibly brighter than the lights from the menorah. I did it, I took that first step at living again, celebrating something that means so much to me realizing that I took my life back [there have been other steps along the way, but this one was really big for me] and I am ready to take on the world.
The gift I opened was from my sister, a Kermit the Frog notebook and another Kermit the Frog note set: notebook, pencils, pencil sharpener and a clip, does she know me or what? See, something simple, but SO me!
This coming Friday I am having some friends over to share the Festival of Lights with me, we’re going to light the lights, everyone will have their own menorah and depending on how many people are there, they could each have more than one! We’ll have some latkes and applesauce, play dreidle, get some gelt and just enjoy each other and the miracle of the season.
To those of you who celebrate Chanukah, may it be joyous and sweet and filled with much love, laughter, latkes and naches.
