Well my friends, today I had a most surreal experience; I visited a friend in a place I never thought I would set foot into or visit. Yes, you are correct, I visited a friend in jail.
When I got the phone call last week, I honestly thought he had died that was the only explanation I had come up with, why, after being there for him time and time again, whenever he needed me, he knew where to come to be safe, to suddenly disappear, after a wrong he did to me [let me clarify, what he did to me is nothing to what they say landed him in jail], he had better have been dead. I had tried to find him shortly after he disappeared, well, there were several people trying to find him, and in the past when he needed to lay low, I always knew where he was, not this time.
So, there I was super bowl Sunday on the phone with a friend when this number pops up, trying to interrupt, it was an 866 number, so I just assumed it was a sales call. After the third attempt, I was getting ticked off, so I switched over. It was a collect call from a jail. I knew immediately in my gut who it was, but I didn’t say a word. I accepted the charges and when he said “hey, what’re you doing?” his typical greeting, my gut was right. I said ”who is this?” and his response was “you aren’t serious”.
It was a very tense phone call for the first few minutes, there was so much I wanted to say, to yell, to scream, but I didn’t. I kept my cool, which, interestingly enough, seems to scare people more than anything when it comes to me, but it was not too difficult for him to hear everything in my voice. This was a person I had put my trust into and he had slapped me in the face with it. Is there proper etiquette for a situation like this? What’s proper? So I let him talk for a few minutes and then I told him I thought he was dead, he said he had died, sort of.
I was torn, I was relieved that he was alive and I wanted to kill him myself all at the same time. Metaphorically of course, I couldn’t kill anyone, but I at least wanted to slap the shit out of him and it would be my right and he would say he deserved it, and, knowing him, would have let me, possibly encouraged it.
So, I took the high road, if there is one in a situation like this and I checked my anger and talked to him. Throughout our relationship, I have always been there for him, whenever he needed me, whenever he needed someone and someplace safe, he always knew where to find me. We dated briefly and after we split, faded out, whatever you want to call it, he would come back to me time and again, but… his timing has always been off when it comes to me, but no matter what, I would never walk away from him, I couldn’t, we have this very strange connection. I’ll admit, there was a time that I could have seen myself falling in love with him, making a life with him, but not now. There’s too much instability there, yes, I know, where he is, he’s not going anywhere, but that’s not the life I want.
While we were on the phone he asked for my address so he could send me a letter, I gave it to him and had a feeling what I would find in the letter and I wasn’t totally off.
He told me in his letter and on the phone that he is ready to stop being the way he was and become a better man. He’s been reading the bible, as many people who are in jail are apt to do and, I can see a difference in him. He’s decided to take the higher road, the path to righteousness, to help others who are going down the same road he was headed. I think it’s fantastic and if anyone can do it and should, it’s him. I just hope that what he’s telling me is how he’s really going to be when he gets out and he’s back in the same path as before, the dangers that could befall him or the obstacles in his way.
So, here I was, on a Sunday afternoon driving to see this person, this person I thought I knew, in jail. I got to the jail, ran up the stairs, I was late, and pissed off at myself for being late; he only gets a 30 minute window for visitation. I ran down the hall and then I walked in the visitation room, it was just like it is in the movies. There were three stools in front of a window, each with a telephone. There was a divider between each of the stations, but that was it. My side of the room was very narrow and I looked through the glass at a wide open space with a staircase in it. The room was white, the staircase was white, the phones were white.
As I sat there waiting, I didn’t know what to expect, he had told me that he looked a little different, but then I recognized the top of his head as he came up the stairs. He turned the corner and looked for me and he smiled, it was a smile that I recognized, that look that used to make me weak in the knees, the one that I would think of when people would ask me about him and would make me giggle and blush.
He looked good, he had lost a little weight, his hair has gotten longer, for him it was very long, since he normally wore it shaved or kept it high and tight and there was a little more grey around the edges. He needed a shave and his goatee was a little longer than I remembered but his eyes were clear and bright; he was wearing a red jumpsuit and bright orange crocks, hey, who really looks good in a prison jump suit, but, all in all, he looked good.
He sat down and we picked up our respective phones and just said “hello” and smiled at each other. It was as if no time had passed, here I was sitting across from one of my best friends, still in shock that I was looking at him and he was alive. We talked for a few minutes, we only had 12, my fault, but we chatted as if we weren’t divided by bullet proof glass. At one point I made him laugh, I said, “Wow, the reception on this phone is great, it’s like you’re in the next room.” We didn’t ignore the elephant in the room, we talked about why he was in there and what his options are, I gave him my advice, which I am oft to do and sometimes he takes it, sometimes he doesn’t. In this case, I think he will, it was backed up by an attorney. When I had spoken to him on the phone last week, I mentioned giving him advice and that he never listened, he told me that he did take everything I said under advisement, more than anyone else,well, this time I hope he takes some good advice to heart and head. He told me very early on that I scare him, not physically, but I can read him, I can look at him and know what he is thinking, when he is planning on doing something stupid, I’ll stand up to him and I’m the only person not afraid of him.
I asked if he needed anything, could I send him a new book? He had closed his letter to me telling me I’d be proud of him that he was reading real books and I am. He’s a smart guy, I just don’t think anyone ever took the time to tell him that he was worth anything, until me and it scared him.
Someone once told me I was too trusting. I don’t trust everyone, but I do try to see the good in everyone. He told me that people would have a choice of three sides to be on: fight him and it would be a one sided battle as he is not fighting anymore, walk away and be out of his life forever, or stand by him. He lost my trust when he wronged me, but I have never been able to walk away from him and he knows I never would. My friends know that once I am a friend, you’re stuck with me for life. I will be there for him when he needs a friend and he will be able to count on me as he has done in the past, but my trust has been violated, I don’t know if it will be able to be earned back, but I will give him the opportunity to try.
I don’t know how to close this posting other than to say, good luck my friend, I have faith in you, please don’t prove me wrong.
