I give this movie three machetes!

It was terrific! Very 1970’s slash ’em up, bloody, bad dialog, lots of action and wonderfully fantastic! I loved it! I will admit that there were several times that I covered my eyes and ears to the sound, but that didn’t stop me from watching it, twice! [I was at the drive in, no bouncers]

Danny Trejo was terrific. He normally plays a Mexican “bad guy”, from the movies that I have seen, in this he was a Mexican “bad ass”. A wronged Federale who is now an illegal immigrant vigilante, you can’t help but cheer for ‘Machete’. He slashes, he slices, he dices, he shoots on occasion, but the machete is his weapon of choice and wow can he wield one! All you want him to do is take ’em all out! And he gets the girl… four of them to be exact, go Machete!

Robert Dinero was the sinful senator [yes, I am going to have some bad puns and one liners, just keep reading]. You can tell something is wrong with him right from the start and you can’t wait for something bad to happen to him and not to worry, dear readers, he gets his in the end, well worth the wait!

Don Johnson plays an officer of the law, type casting? Well… he’s one bad border cop, easy to despise right from the start and you do.

Jeff Fahey is the wealthy businessman who is the senator’s right hand man and right hand gun I would say. I did like the fact that there were some cases he did his own dirty work, I can’t stand those mob bosses who get everyone else to do their killing for them. He has too much power and impure thoughts about his daughter, ick, you want him to get his on principle.

Lindsay Lohan plays the trampy coke-head daughter. Typecasting? Hmmm… she does have killer hair in this movie, long, blond, feathered, perfect 70’s doo. A waste of human flesh… but she has a great moment at the end of the movie, classic!

Cheech Marin plays a padre, but not your typical Hispanic priest, I can’t rave enough about his character, it was brief, but well worth watching. I didn’t like the way things ended there, I didn’t think they had to, it could have gone differently, but I didn’t write the movie.

Steven Segal, well… all I can say is he did die in the end. What bad dialog and what an awful portrayal of a Mexican drug lord, I hope it was just bad dialog, but I don’t think so. His death scene was just… well, let’s say this, did you see the movie “Buffy the Vampire Slayer”? Imagine Paul Reuben’s death scene, on par with that, ugh, but that was definitely written as a comdey.

Michelle Rodriguez, typical bad ass-bad, with a bad attitude Mexican woman, fighting for her people. She goes down fighting and comes up looking foxy and armed.

Jessica Alba… not sure what to say. She plays an agent for ICE, Immigration and Customs Enforcement, she’s Hispanic and of course, the other Hispanics in the film want to know how she could turn in her own people. Turns out, she’s an alright chick who just wants to do what’s right and she does in the end. I will say she has some REALLY bad dialog to work with, classic!

I would probably see this movie again if someone wanted to go, not one I will add to my collection, but I wouldn’t turn away from.

Three machetes up in my book!